She's....gone.

2:28 am -
Sweet Yuki went into acute congestive heart failure and died Monday morning, April 19, at just after eleven o'clock.

It was a difficult weekend for her, as her symptoms waxed and waned, but the bad times grew more pronounced and of longer duration. It was terrible to see her tire so easily and practically collapse after just a slight bit of activity. I could not tell if the meds were making her worse or if she was beyond the help of medications. It was good to see her sleeping comfortably in her cat napper, one little dark foot lazily dangling as she dozed, and breathing fairly easily...when she was able to do so.

On the night of the 18th, after a really bad day, Yuki summoned enough energy to climb up onto my bed and cuddle close to me, kneading and purring with all she had to give. When she was well, I probably would have pushed her away, but on Sunday night, I intuitively knew that there was no telling how much time Yuki had left, and there was no way I'd deny her the one thing she so craved: love. I was almost afraid she'd suffocate. It was sweet and sorrowful all at once, feeling her warm breath on my neck as she purred. I promised myself I'd never push her away again.

I am so glad I went with that instinct.

On Monday morning, her breathing was very labored and she was restless and uncomfortable. She kept going to her "bad" place in the hallway. A bit later she hid under the bed, and I thought I heard her struggling. I looked under the bed and she decided to leave that spot and return to the hallway. I noticed then that she was almost on her side, head lowered, and she was panting. Her ears and rear feet were cool, and I knew then that something had to be done. Either she needed to get to a hospital as quickly as possible and have her chest tapped and be put on oxygen, or else it was time to put her to sleep.

I got in the shower to get ready to go and take Yuki somewhere, anywhere that could ease her labored breathing. She looked so anxious and it killed me to see her like this. When I was drying off, I had a strange feeling come over me--that I would find her in the hallway, and that death had come and taken Yuki away.

That is exactly what happened.

Yuki was on her right side, and her eyes were open, staring blindly into the otherworld. I knelt over her for a moment, then went to get my stethoscope to confrim that she was really gone. I closed her eyes and began to weep as I stroked her soft fur for what I knew was the last time. I felt pangs of regret that I had not been there in her last moments, even though it would have been terribly upsetting to see her go agonal. I told her good bye and that I'd always love her. After a few minutes, I made a little bed from her carrier and a blanket and put flowers, rosemary and a sprig of catnip, on her and placed one of her toys next to her...then I covered her up. She looked so sweet and peaceful, as though she were napping.

I took her to the campus and made arrangements to have her cremated. Enid is going to make me a glass pendant with some of Yuki's ashes mixed in with the glass.

I miss her so much.